Saturday, April 23, 2011


Friends: You know, the people around you that will listen to you when you need an ear, be there for you when you need the support, will travel the distances to be at important events in your life, confides in you as you in them, understands even when you believe noone else does, but can also be there to give you the swift kick in the right direction, argue with you over differences until sides are seen in each others eyes, and overall, just really enjoys your company.

I havent had many people I could call close friends and it seems that those I do remember, something happened in life and we no longer spoke. Even the 200 so called "friends" on facebook I wouldnt consider "friends" per say; more like aquaintences that I met in college and now I would like to be on their sidelines to cheer them on throughout their life. Im sure thats how some of my "friends" view it too and Im okay with that. Ive 'unfriended' at least 100 people who have never said a word to me and Im okay with that too (Most are from Hight School, Dont know why I friended them to begin with?).

The people who I do want to get to know better and stay in close contact with, I try very hard to show my affection through words of encouragement and to visit when I can. I need to do better, I know, I am a victim to my own judging.

But lately, I feel I have no friends. Just those who say something nice on facebook here and there. Does anyone want to include me in things/events? Has anyone who has weekends off wanted to do something with my diaghter and I? And what really gets me, does anyone want to come visit me? NO! Only B and Crackback have visited me. I am also very aware that it is hard to do certain things with a baby. I am also painfully aware that my best friend in the world is sacrificing his time away from his growing daughter and lonely wife to provide for us and to give us a future. Knowing that, I should not complain about being lonely, but its hard.

Things change as life goes on. I get accused of not being able to really view other peoples perspectives, when I dont believe thats true at all. Can you view mine with a child and a husband thats been gone for almost 6 months? I would say you can either empathize with one or the other, but not both.

I try to reach out and make friends. I suppose Im a type of person who doesnt make an impact on people enough for them to be like, "hey, I would love to get to know her better". Am I really that odd? I know everyone has their quirks, but really?!

Again, I know its hard with a baby, and Im not depressed, but sometime I wish I were because then Id have somewhat of an excuse for feeling this way. Since one of my closest friends passed away, its really hit me that I sould cherish all people close to me, who know me for me and except me for who I was, who I am and who I will grow to be, just as I do them.
I also know that people have their own lives and problems to deal with, but it seems that they still make an effort to spend time, whether through skype, phone calls, email, visits, etc.

I dont know why Im complaining. As I said before, Im a vicitim of my own judgment. I suppose it would be easier to do, if someone was doing it for me. I just really miss my close friends and need to come to realization that the inevitable is occuring and our lives have taken opposite paths.

It F-ing stinks!